Sunday, March 29, 2009

The beach was nice, it mostly always is to me, if theres not many people there. i just wish it would've been hotter. it will soon though , summa! it stormed very much last night to though, which was quite fantastic. And i watched the divinci code, it kind of freaked me out, just that one albino creepy guy did, he was messed up. i love movies.
We've been packing all our things and getting ready to leave this house. I absolutely hate taking down all the things on my walls. all the pictures and paintings and letters and such. My walls look like naked ugly dead poop. lol, my walls are brown. why in the world did we paint them brown.
We were planning on definitely renting this house in Harbor Hills for sum months, but now they don't know ,cause my dad just got layed off his job. Lots of people are eh? 
My parents have been contemplating wether to move back to California . And they're saying we will if my dad gets the job there . But i can't be sure of what's going to happen as of now, the plan changes every other day as things come up, So alot is just in transition right now and don't know what to think of where we're going to go or anything like that. I just know that it'll all be good . i know everything in this world that's great, gets worse before it get's good. I like moving new places ( and for that reason my mom and cousin agreed i'd make a good military wife = P )
hm anyway...
i have to pee.

okay back .
don't you just hate when your foot falls asleep and you can't feel it, so you end up falling down?

And i'd like to add that me, sheri, austin, and olivias monty pithon and the holy grail scene for kubiks is going to be one of the best things ever. XD

I really want to get a job right now, to save up money for things i need to do.

"I have faith when i look in your eyes, i find peace when i'm in your presence,  you are my home."

sleep good.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I never want to stay at one place , as in, where i'm barely or just content with how things are. i just mean that, i'm choosing not to waste any more time out of my life, attempting to get everything right and content. because what is content compared to being free ? don't get me wrong, I'm not saying i don't need some things changed and made right in my life ( because i definitely do ) , or that i want things perfect or expect good things to always happen cause i don't, i just never want to be so comfortable or " content" that i start to sink down because of a lack of change and chances, or lack of taking advantage of oppurtunities.

i want radical things and moments to explode in my life.

i do know everything good or bad happens for a reason. and ya ya, i know, people have said it so much it's almost a cliche, and if so, a true one. believe me, I've had things happen or have done things that i'm like, why would this happen, and if it all happens for a reason, what GOOD reason is going to come out of sumthing like this happening? i'm no good with using words. I've tried to explain how i think about sumthing wether i've repeated it several times but not even just writing it can i fully get across even half my point or whatever = P. ha, i'm bad at this right.

Last night the tdwp, adtr, emarosa concert was amazing, not gonna lie. i get so into it. i don't understand how people can just go and NOT get into it.. it's really a shame. you went there to see the band and hear their music and you just want to stand there with your arms crossed = P that makes alot of sense. but hey, it's whatever . As for me i get consumed in the atmosphere, and can't help but dance and whatever other seizure type moves my body releases XD. I wasn't even very tired today, i think being in places where i can release makes me feel refreshed.

my mom got me this vase at a store, and i saw it sitting on my shelf when i woke up, and it i was like D= WHAT THE HECK IS THIS... ha X P. isnt it creepy?! i think so.
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sleep good .

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The sunlight pours from his face

when your body's so cold , but is sweating all the heat out of you, how just one hand upon your back quickly warms your veins and the heat just sinks through ,just that one place the heat hits it just makes you forget everywhere else your shivering. And you crave it. He's like wind. He's like rain. He's like fire. He is light. The sunlight pours from his face.

This day was nice. i got shoes at sum flea market for a dolla  = O yeh. The puppies there were ohmy adorable,  hopefully i can get one when we move in april = D

Especially this morning, was amazing. I went to Ohop with shawna and Trev. 
I cried waterfalls in praise and worship after the service, I lose myself in that.I love hearing peoples testimonies, and this guys was intense.
I feel beyond inspired , to go out and do amazing things in this world. I know what i'm meant to do, and it's my hearts desire to go after it in every way i can , dive all the way in. i'm so driven by this.
I want to see things , feel things i never knew.
We all have the ability to go out and do such amazing things, but i think sadly nuff so many people i feel waste time with jobs they hate, with not being heard, with selling themselves short for sumthing less than what they're capable of having and experiencing, with being safe or scared, or just being plain bored with their life and with anything.

-It's frustrating, when your whole day is sumtimes going so well, and you feel refreshed, and then you go to back the house, back to the yelling, or sumthing or sumone just cuts it deep enough to make it all feel like, the one actually satisfying day just got ruined, like the peace can never seem to keep up or stay with you.. and it gets frustrating when you feel so builded up ( i just said builded? ) , but at the end of the day something tries to come against that. 
But right at the point when i was about to lose it,  it hit me,  how i can't keep letting it take it away from me, or i'd never get anywhere. i'd just keep being built up, and torn down. and i was giving into , all those other days and moments i just let fly off the handle, when i could have made sumthing better of it. 
"They'll put all their efforts into stopping you".it's a choice and a split second to decide wether i'm going to defeat it, or let it swallow me. 

I just want to go everywhere .  So let's go .

and this is good music. 

( = later

Saturday, March 21, 2009

it's cold in the shade, let's move to the sun

He set fire upon the house, so many told him to put it out and threw buckets of water. They had no doubt that the walls would burn down. " Put it out ! you're scorhcing yourself." And through all he stood , staying strong. The water was defeated by flames, and their shouts were consumed by his faith. Even if their intentions were what they thought were best for him, he couldn't live with always running from the fire. 
The next day the house was in ruins, as people walked by, they wondered with intense curiousity how possibly he could have put the raging fire out so quickly, and by himself, and so they brought the questions to him, and this is what he spoke, " I waited till the dawn in the earliest of hours of the morning, of the mourning, I waited till the fire decayed every wall, every molding, every door,  then i swallowed the flames, the fire now lives and grows and consumes all of me. This house is burnt down, for now it is a home. a home which i had lacked of for so long, My flesh is not scorched, nor is my tongue fried. My heart is on fire, and which was once a house, is now a home." 

i just felt like typing that. today was fine, can't complain ( = 
I'm looking forward to tomorrow though, going to ohop, cutting ryans hair, hopefully seeing chelsi dearest, youth, and whatever else comes up.

 I'm up for anything that happens unexpected.

i've really liked this song for quite a while, the original by damien rice is good to. i love playing it on piano.

sleep good ( =

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Some will seek forgiveness, others escape

Remembering back to, not that long ago, i was completely confused. Forgive me if i'm guilty to blame for all of this.. But i believe my heart was in the right place. You told me once to stay away from you, and i told you i'd take a step but wasn't going anywhere, because i believed it wasn't your heart, the way you were being. That i wasn't going to just leave you, my best friend cause you called me a few names, or stood there while you screamed at me. But when you said you wanted me out of your life the next time, I assumed i was your misery, and so we walked away. And maybe i am the one to blame, i'm willing to accept that even if it's not mine.
but now it seems as if your someone who's so far from the truth, and maybe we all are.
i pray you won't be taken over by this pride that's wrapped around you.
i pray you'll find your heart again, and that you'll find someone to confide in..

Maybe he told you truths that you didn't want to believe. Maybe in your mind this whole thing grew like a nasty monster, infesting the whole situations into something much bigger and grosser than it all really was.
Since when did you have the right to give me the ultimatum of choosing you as a friend, or the rest of my friends. Forget fairness, how is that even right ?
i always wondered if there was something i could've done more, i could've done better or should've been there for you more. It's as if you want people have to constantly prove themselves to you. 
Sorry , I'm just writing what i'm thinking,  who am i to blame anyone else.
There's so much more i could say, but i'll bite my tongue.

I'm sorry if i ever wronged anyone, or came across the wrong way. Nothing i'm saying is in hate, it's just in all honesty.
And I've forgiven you, even if you say you have nothing to be sorry for.
I pray that our hurting will be healed.
Why is this such a big mess ? We were all so close

Why do people care so much what someone does to them? If someone wrongs you, that's their choice and you can't change that person. So why let it completely bring you down, people are always going to fail you one way or another. They come in and out of your life and make a good impact, or leave you with bruises.
I've heard so many people say " i can't trust this person anymore". And it makes me think, trust isn't believing that someone is never going to fail you or believing that theyre always going to do the right thing at the right time. But trust is rather trusting that they're doing sumthing for the right reason, no matter what it is. atleast that's what it is to me.
it's a shame we have wasted and waste so much time and life on insane complex situations. How is that a way to live
( and no this isn't directing towards what i was writing about before)

I always learn different point of views on so many things i thought i knew so well. It's what keeps me going.

I have a feeling this weekend is going to be fantastic, i can feel it in me bones X )

Goodmornin ( = i woke up kind of late today, i just feel so drained or sumthing this week. 
I'm excited to hava blog = D but i have so many things and thoughts and crap to write, i don't know where to start. anyway,i bet i'm going to be late for school today.

" Our bodies all die, the goal isn't to live forever , the goal is to create something that will." 
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