Eternity is my Home

i can't pinpoint the place in which it all sprouted from, or why it even made me so upset today, although it's been lingering on my shoulders for quite a time now, and emerges at times. I was more sad, than angry honestly. I don't think i'll ever have that confidence i've always wanted with you or be able to bring anything to you that's on my  mind or heart, you just push it away. Today i guess it swelled in me while we were there. Maybe expressing when i'm hurt to you isn't the grandest idea anylonger, it feels like it just spreads the gap farther. Even though it used to tare me down, the bringing up of my past inflictions, or the putting down of my intentions and goal purposes, as easy as it would be to let myself drown in self pitty, to let my tongue totally fly off the handle, but i refuse to sink back down. It's not worth it.

i hope so much for you to inhale a breath of fresh air. to exhale what's become of it all. to be created anew, and step out of what you're used to. even though i feel pushed aside by you, i will bless you

 i might not meet up to your standards or the succession of what your perception of "success" is in life, and it's not that i  expect you to support or understand the things i choose to do with my life, but i just wish you knew how much it means to me, and knew the desire i have to pursue my purpose.  And that the goals i chase after might not give me a whole basket full of financial support ,or a stable, predictable, safe small box life, i don't want to waste my life piling up pride and fortune, things that don't matter and just get left behind. But i have faith for oppurtunities that will give me moments to impact, and oppurtunities to go everywhere, and experience things, feel incredible things, impact peoples lives for the better, ENJOY living, the things that reside and carry on for eternity ,that actually matter. whatever oppurtunities God gives me i'm going to run after. This won't be practical, This won't be easy, this won't be stable, i want to be shaken. I will no longer curl up in a comfort zone, or conform to the things of this world. 
On my own, in myself, i am not strong. He is the strength that lives in me . I used to try to build myself so high, so tough, but over and over all flesh will fail.

You said there was nothing left down here
Well I roamed around the wasteland
And I swear I found something
I found hope, I found God
I found the dreams of the believers

i have so much more i could say